Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
