ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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