you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
