So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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