remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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