Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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