defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
