i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
