did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i now understand why vodka
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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