Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
