the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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