im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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