I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
