I need help removing her.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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