I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
