In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
