I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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