I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
