Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
