Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
