I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm too high and old for this...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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