Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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