watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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