If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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