Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
