So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
