i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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