Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
