If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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