The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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