I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
