Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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