Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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