I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
