Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
