SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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