My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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