he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
