i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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