This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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