mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
