I just threw up on my dentist
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
