I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
