Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
