someone threw a dead crab at me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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