Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
