Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
