me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
