Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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