i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You were trust falling into bushes
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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