my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
