I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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