My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
zippers are such a cool invention
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
